My heart is bleeding
by thedarkpassenger85
Summary: After confronting her rival Maura and Jane finally find a way to solve their problems!LAST CHAPTER IS UP PLEASE REVIEW!
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys, so again I wrote this chapter thinking I could put in inside my "Wishes can come true" and then realized that it wouldn't fit in. So here we go, I'm warning you , it's very dark, and sad, so maybe It will be a one shot or maybe I will continue depends on reviews!**

Jane and Maura have been happily married for 2 years now, and a few months ago they decided they were ready to start a family. Unfortunately things didn't go as planned.

"Hey honey, how do you feel this morning?" Jane asked crawling in bed next to her wife.

"I'm bleeding." Maura shuttered.

"The doctor said you might bleed for a few days, but if you feel it's too much I can call her ." Jane replied touching her wife's forehead to see if she had any fever.

It had been 3 days since Maura had miscarried. Jane tried her best to reach out and help her, but Maura would only stay in bed crawling in fetal position refusing to eat or even talk.

"I meant my heart." Maura replied rolling on her side turning her back on Jane.

" Oh sweetheart, I'm sorry, it's gonna be ok, I'm here." Jane replied wrapping herself around her wife 's shaking body.

"Please don't touch me. Stay away." Maura ordered pushing Jane away.

"Maura, please let me help you." Jane begged.

"I don't want your help I want you to leave me alone, please." Maura begged unwilling and unable to even fight.

For the first time since they've been together Jane felt powerless. Maura and her were soul mates, they were always able to read each other's mind and find out what the other needed. But this time it was different, no matter what Jane did, or tried to do or say, it always seemed to be wrong.

But Jane loved Maura and she wasn't going to quit on her, she was going to fix her, she didn't know how but she was going to.

"You're my wife, I love you and I'm not going to walk away from you." Jane strongly stated trying to be reassuring but not intrusive or overwhelming.

"How can you love me?" Maura objected.

"How can you ask me that? You're my wife, the love of my life." Jane replied shocked.

"I failed you Jane, you wanted a baby and, I lost it, how can you love a woman who is not even capable of carry a pregnancy to term." Maura finally let out crying.

"Oh Maura, you didn't fail me or our child, you heard what the doctor said : you didn't do anything wrong, miscarriages in the first trimester happen." Jane replied trying not to burst into tears. Maura needed her to be the strong one.

"I know, please just leave me alone you don't know what it's like." Maura rasped burying her face in her pillow.

"You're right I don't how it's like physically , but what happened to you, happened to me to, it happened to both of us. God Maura I found you on the floor bleeding out. I thought I was going to loose you. And when you were in the OR I prayed God to let you live because I knew I would have been able to survive without you. So yes I didn't have our child ripped out of me but this child was my child too even if I wasn't carrying her . I miss her every second of every day, trust me . I 'm going to think about our daughter every single day of my life but you are here, you're alive and I'm thankful for that. So when I say we are gonna get through this I mean it. If you're not ready to talk about it yet fine, I will wait. I will wait for the rest of my life if I have to but I'm not leaving you alone."

"I don't want to go through this ever again." Maura finally let out.

"I know, I promise I won't let anything bad happen to you again." Jane said kissing her wife's forehead.

"I mean I don't want to try again." Maura clarified .

"Don't worry about it , we'll talk about it later, you need to rest and time to heal."

"I'm serious Jane, you know I never change my mind when I have made a decision.I do not want to try to have another baby and I don't want to adopt either. If I can't carry a pregnancy to term, I'm clearly fit to be a mother. "

"Oh Maura, don't say that, it was an accident, you didn't do anything wrong, you know you're going to be a great mom."

"Is having a child that important to you?Would you still love me if I didn't give you one?"Maura asked scared to death of the answer.

"I want a child, I don't need one but I do need you. If you don't want to ever have one then fine I will be perfectly happy spending the rest of my life with you, you and me ,just us two. I'm not leaving you Maura."

Maura felt quickly asleep as far as she could from Jane, she didn't want her to touch her. Most importantly she didn't want to feel her reassuring voice in her ears telling that she loved her, she felt she didn't deserve to be loved after failing her like that.

Jane on her side of the bed couldn't sleep. Maura and her have been through some rough times, but they never had to overcome something like this. For the first time in their relationship she didn't know what to do. And for the first time Maura was actually rejecting he hand refusing her help and she didn't know how to fix it, how to fix her wife.

The next morning Jane wake up and decided to make some waffles, she knew it wouldn't fix Maura but she knew her wife would need to eat at some point.

"I see you're up, I made you some waffles." Jane said entering their bedroom.

"I'm not hungry. I want to see Bass." Maura said trying to get out bed, but she couldn't : her legs were shaking and she could barely stand.

"Easy , easy, I got you." Jane whispered keeping her wife from falling by pulling her close to her.

"Oh Jane promise me you still love me and you still want to be with me." Maura begged bursting into tears.

"Of course, I'm staying right here and I'm not going anywhere, please try to lay down." Jane murmured trying to help her to get back in bed.

"You can't be with me 24/7 Jane, this is not realistic, you need to go back to work."

"Hell with work, you just miscarried, I'm staying here with you until you're totally recovered, that's not negotiable."

"I don't want to be a burden. You need to work."

"Well usually I would use work as a way to cope, but I wouldn't be able to work and focus knowing that you're home hurt. And beside I married a rich heiress so I don't really need to work."

"I always knew you were in for the money." Maura smiled.

"You got me, now please eat something."

"Alright, you can that I can't resist your waffles anyway." Maura replied taking a small bite.

"I know, I'm proud of you Maura."

Maybe things weren't that lost.. Maybe Jane could find a way to bring Maura back, to save her. The only thing she knew right now was that Maura needed time to heal..She wouldn't get better over night. So Jane decided to be patient, caring but without being to overwhelming hoping that one day Maura would open up and talk to her about losing their daughter.

Jane knew it would take time before Maura would accept to talk about it, but she knew talking about their daughter was the first step towards recovery.

**SO guys, should I continue?Or is this way too far from the show?**


	2. Motherly advice

**Thank you guys for the reviews, so I will be continuing this story as long as you want me to!Thank you for the encouragements!**

**Chapter 2:**

**Motherly advice:**

It has been almost 3 weeks since Maura and Jane lost their child and things weren't going any better. Maura would still won't talk about the miscarriage or about anything else. She stopped spending her days in bed, instead she would lock herself in her office with Bass for hours at the time.

"May I come in?"Jane shyly knocking on Maura's office 's door.

"Yes, come in." Maura replied without even looking at Jane.

" I'm on my way to see Ma, do you need anything?"

"No, I'm fine thank you." Maura said sitting on her desk still avoiding eye contact.

"Alright I will see you in a couple of hours, call if you need me, I love you." Jane whispered kissing the back of her wife's head.

"Please just, don't…" Maura whispered leaning over to avoid Jane's physical contact.

"Alright." Jane muttered walking away.

As much as she hated it, she couldn't stay at Maura's side 24/7. Maura needed space and so did she. So that afternoon Jane went to see her mother.

"How's Maura?" Angela asked as she was filling up Jane's coffee mug.

" I don't know Ma, she won't let me touch her, she wont let me hug her, every time I try to get closer to her she just pushes me away." Jane explained taking a sip at her coffee.

"Give her time."

"It 's been a month and she won't even let me kiss her mom and I have to sleep at the other side of our bed, every night when I go to sleep I'm scared that she might ask me to go sleep in the guest room." Jane confessed.

" I know how much you love her and how supportive you are but sometimes the best thing to do is not to do anything…"

"And what?Wait for her to drawn?Ma' that's my wife we're talking about I can't let her suffer like that." Jane replied enraged feeling powerless.

"Suffering is part of healing."

"I know Ma' Im suffering too, even if I wasn't carrying her, I 'm suffering like hell."

"I know darling, it was your child as well, you both lost a child not only Maura. How are you holding up?"

"I'm ok I guess, well I don't know I guess the fact that I didn't lose it physically makes things easier for me but at the same time seeing Maura in so much pain is killing me."

"I know sweetheart, I know." Angela said rubbing her daughter's back.

"What I am supposed to do, tell me Ma?"

"Well give her some time and space but try to show her you're here for her and you're not going anywhere and when you time comes she'll talk to you,just try no to overwhelm her to much".

"I know , all I want is to hold her and tell her how much I love her, but that's not helping. every time I tell her I love her she asked me how I can love her after what happen, she thinks she failed me somehow. She doesn't see how I can love a woman who couldn't cary a pregnancy to term."

"I understand her that. I mean it's like a man who's impotent or who's sterile, he feels like less then a man."

"But she can have kids, she lost this one, but she's not sterile and she would be able to have another if she wanted…"

"I know sweet heart… let me tell you a story…When I was about 25 weeks pregnant with you I almost miscarried."

"You never told me that." Jane replied rising her eye brows at her mother.

"Well I didn't want to worry you , or make you think there was something wrong with you. One morning I woke up with terrible cramps and I was bleeding, your dad took me to the hospital and I got checked out . As it turned out you were doing fine, your heart beat was strong and regular, you were enough sucking your thumb when I took the echo ."

"Really?" Jane smirked.

"Yes, everything turned out to be fine, it was just a bleeding, I wasn't either loosing you or going in premature labor. The doctor monitored me for several days and I was sent home. But after that I went a bit crazy : I would go to the hospital to have you checked out, I was so scared. Of course the insurance company refused to cover us for weekly visits . Can you guess what your dad did?"

"He worked overtime to pay for the consultations and took you at the hospital himself every week."

"Yes, he knew I felt guilty because I didn't change my habits when I got pregnant, I insisted of continuing doing the same things."

"You didn't do anything wrong ma, even if you had lost me it wouldn't have been your fault."

"Easy for you to say…I mean when you're pregnant,if you loose the child you blame yourself, even if you lost it because you got hit by a bus you know, you will always find a way to blame yourself. When a woman gets pregnant, it's like having someone depending on your completely, you know that if you continue smoking you can cause lungs damages or if you don't eat healthy the baby won't be healthy . You know that everything you do has a direct impact on your child. You know people always say : "all you can do is love your kids and hope they turn alright". That might be true once they're born, but when they're growing inside of you, it's on you, the good, the bad it's all on you, you're responsible for it."

"I understand now, I guess why she feels guilty but how could she ever think I would ever leave her?"

"Because she can't imagine how you could love someone who failed like that."

"I understand , so do you think she's going to continue to push me away, hoping that I might leave her?"

"Probably, but you have to hang in there ."

"And if she leaves me?I mean we live in her house but she can still leave me, ma what would I ever do if she leaves me?"

"I don' think she has the strength to do that darling, even if she doesn't admit it, she needs you. But if she does, you just need to let her go for a little while until she realizes she needs you and comes back."

"How do you expect me to stay away Ma, when where in the same room and I see she's in pain i have to restrain myself really hard not to hug her. So I know I would never be able to be away from her." Jane said bursting into tears in her mother's arms.

"I know darling, just let it out, It's ok. "Angela said kissing her daughter' s forehead.

Jane went home, her eyes still red and went straight to the shower without even noticing that Maura was sitting on their bed.

"How was your mother?" Maura asked.

"She was ok, she made us your favorite apple pie." Jane mumbled wiping the remaining tears off her eyes.

Hearing the tone of her voice, Maura knew that Jane had been crying, most likely because of her.

"Have you been crying?" Maura asked standing up and walking towards her wife.

"I'm fine I just need to take a shower." Jane said entering the ensuite bathroom.

"I 've made you cry haven't I?" Maura asked.

"No you didn't, I cried because I failed you, twice, I wasn't able to keep you and our daughter safe and now I'm failing by not being able to help you, oh god…" Jane cried, falling on the floor.

Over the past few weeks Jane took it on her to be strong for the both of them, ignoring her own pain. She wanted Maura to feel that she was strong that she could count on her but enough was enough, she couldn't take it anymore.

"Oh Baby." Maura whispered as she went down on the floor to reach out to her wife.

Maybe that what Maura needed: to see that Jane was as destroyed as her. Maybe she didn't need her wife to be strong but to actually show her how she felt,to see that she was suffering as much as her, that it wasn't her who was weak...

**OK guys, what do you think?Obviously I never suffered from a miscarriage myself so I don't know if what I'm saying is accurate, feedback and advice are more then welcome.**


	3. Asking for help

**Sorry guys for the delay, I was focusing on my other story and I forgot about this one:( shame on me.**

**This story is very special, and hard to write, especially because I have no idea what I'm talking about. Unlike other stories I have no ideas where it's going but I promise to pay more attention to it from now on :)**

**Chapter 3:**

**Asking for help:**

For the first time since they lost the baby Jane finally let go. She never allowed herself to cry, not in front of Maura, not even when she was alone.

"I got you babe, come here." Maura said dragging her wife on their bed.

Jane couldn't even talk she was trying to restrain herself from exploding in front of her wife, but she couldn't hide and hold the pain of the pain.

Maura lied down in bed next to her and watched her trembling, crying crawled in fetal position.

"It's alright babe, let it go, you don't always have to be the strong one." Maura whispered wrapping herself around her wife trying to stop the shaking.

"I can't loose you, Maura, I lost our baby, I don't want to lose you I won't survive it." Jane articled between two sobs.

"Calm down, I'm here and I'm not leaving you Jane, I need you." Maura finally admitted.

It was the first time Maura actually reached out to Jane. She simply never asked her for anything, every meal, every little attention, every cup of coffee Jane would bring to her where coming from her. Maura didn't want to be a burden. She knew that

Jane would do anything she might ask her and that was scary : not only she couldn't understand how Jane could still love her after what happened but she couldn't understand how she could actually love her more.

That's how Maura felt : she felt like Jane loved her even more now, maybe it was the fear of losing her.

Feeling Jane's unconditional and unbreakable love Maura never felt so selfish: Of course Jane was suffering as much as her for the same reasons actually: because she felt like she failed her by not being able to keep the baby safe.

She was so self focused on her own pain that she almost denied Jane's pain thinking _" What the hell does she knows?She didn't lose the baby._" But Jane did, she lost their daughter even if she didn't lose it physically and it was tearing her apart, it was tearing them apart.

" I want us to move. I need us to move out." Maura asked.

"You want us to find another place to live?" Jane replied wiping the tears of her face rolling on her side.

"Yes, I do, I lost our baby in that house, it's too painful living here ." Maura admitted.

"I understand, it's hard for me , everytime I enter that kitchen I see you on the floor bleeding out .. I will start looking for a new place tomorrow alright?" Jane said trying to establish a small physical contact by putting her hand on her wife's hip.

"No we, it's something we need to do together." Maura responded lightly stroking Jane's hand .

"Are you sure you're ready to go outside?"

" I think so, I can't stay inside for ever, and neither can you, Jane You need to see people . If you want me to get better you need to get better ."

"I know, but I want to stay here with you in case you need me."

"I know and I appreciate it, but I want you to go out, to see your family, your friends,and I should do the same. I'm not saying we're ready to go back to work. But step by step we have to regain control of our lives."

"I know, well my mom is repainted and redecorating the house, I guess that's her way of mourning her grand child. I'm sure she would appreciate some help."

"That would be a good idea. I can't promise you to fully open up, and I'm certainly not ready to be your wife again, but I have to stop being selfish. I know you're as broken as me and I have to think about your recovery as well."

"You're not selfish, you're mourning our daughter and so Am I, the only thing I'm asking you is to stop rejecting me Maura. Please."

"Alright I'm so sorry Jane, I don't want to loose you, to loose us. I'm trying my best."

"I know babe, I know it's hard, please just trust me and let me help you alright? I know I failed you and our baby but I can make things right I know I can."

"Oh Jane, you never failed me or our baby, you're the most caring, protective wife I could have dreamed of having. You saved my life that day if you had come home 30 minutes later I would have bled out." Maura said cupping her wife's face in her hand.

"You didn't pick up, the phone, I called several times, I knew something was wrong."

"That's called maternal instinct, can we please stop blaming ourselves for what happen please, Jane, I'm not strong enough, I just need you to be with me." Maura asked burying herself in Jane's arms.

"I'm going anywhere , I promise, I love you." Jane whispered kissing the top of Maura's head.

**Alright guys, why do you think?At first I wanted Maura to ask Jane to go back to work, but I figured Jane wouldn't appreciate her pushing her away like that.**

**So house hunting might be a good solution to go out again and see other people. And most importunately it's important for them to live in a place that doesn't remind them of the worse day of their lives.**

**Next chapter : Flash back on the day Maura lost the baby...**


	4. Saying goddbye

**Chapter 4:**

**Saying goodbye.**

Maura and Jane spent the next hour, cuddling in silence. It was the first time Maura would allow Jane to touch her since she lost the baby.

She wouldn't let her, hug her or kiss her, or even sleep too close to her.

Jane lied there with her wife in her arms gently rubbing her shoulder with her thumb, enjoying her sent, and the way her skin felt under her finger tips.

She thought she would never experience that again.

Every time she closed her eyes she could almost relive what happened that day:

"Come on Maura. pick up the damn phone." Jane groaned.

"She's still not answering?" Frost asked a bit worried. He knew it wasn't Maura' s type to ignore Jane's calls.

"No, something is wrong, I set up her ring tone so loud that it would wake her up ." Jane said grabbing her keys.

"I'm coming with you." Frost said following her partner.

"Thank you."

So Jane drove home, burning every red light in town and in less then 15 minutes they arrived at their house.

"Maura , where are you?" Jane called entering the house.

When Frost and Jane entered the kitchen, there she was lying on the floor in a pool of blood.

"Oh God." Jane let out rushing towards her wife.

"I'm calling an ambulance." Frost immediately said.

"Maura, baby, wake up, no, no, no this is not happening." Jane mumbled holding Maura as tight as she could.

"The ambulance should be here any minute, hold on Maura." Frost encouraged.

That's why Jane liked him so much. He was always calm and focus in any situation, maybe because he was raised by a navy officer or maybe that's just how he was. All Jane knew is that she appreciated to have someone like him with her in such a difficult moment.

"Come on babe, hold on, help is coming you're going to be alright, I promise. Where the hell is that blood coming from?" Jane let out panicked.

"I think she's losing the baby." Frost explained looking between Maura's legs.

"Oh God, no, no, no." Jane repeated holding Maura tight, blood all over her.

A few minutes later the ambulance finally arrived.

When the EMT arrived they went straight to Maura.

"How far is she?"

"25 weeks, she just had an ultrasound last week, the baby was fine."

"Alright, she's not breathing, please stay aside Mam, we need to intubated your friend alright?"

"She's not my friend, she's my wife and she's carrying my baby, please save her." Jane begged.

"We're doing our best, was she breathing when you arrived?"The EMT asked.

"Yes, she had a pulse just a minute ago before you came in." Frost replied still focused.

"Good, then her brain wasn't depraved of oxygen to long, here we go." The EMT said while finishing intubating her.

"We're taking her to the hospital now, come with us." The other EMT instructed while they were both lifting Maura up on the gurney .

"Yes, I'm coming, I'm not leaving you baby, Frost call my parents." Jane instructed not letting go of her hand.

"You got it." Frost replied.

As they were moving towards the ambulance Jane never stopped talking to Maura.

"I'm here babe, I love you so much, you're going to be alright, I promise." Jane whispered kissing the top of Maura's hand and stroking her forehead with her thumb.

When they arrived at the ER Maura was immediately taken care of by Doctors.

As she was forced to let go of her hand, while she was taken to a trauma room, Jane totally blacked out, she couldn't hear anything the EMTS were telling the Doctor, she couldn't see anything but a bright light in front of her eyes.

"Mam, are you ok?" A nurse suddenly said shaking her up a bit.

"I'm Detective Rizzoli, Boston homicide, this is my wife Chief Medical Examiner Doctor. Maura Isles." Jane robotically answered showing her badge.

"Alright Mam, you have to come with me so we can clean you up."

"That's my baby's blood." Jane mumbled her eyes fixated on Maura lying down on that table right behind that transparent door,Doctors all over her.

"Come on, you can be with her once she's better, I promise." The nurse insisted.

"No, I'm not leaving my wife." Jane replied not willing to let her wife go through this alone.

So Jane stood there for about an hour waiting, until one of the attending physician came out.

"Mrs Rizzoli, I'm Dr Riley."

"How is she?"

"She's doing better, she lost a lot of blood, but we transfused her, but she' still not able to breath on her one, so we put her on a machine . We're going to take her the the ICU now."

"How about my, our baby?"

"I'm very sorry , we did everything we could, but we weren't able to save her."

"Oh God no." Jane cried out feeling the ground opening under her feet.

As the Doctor was trying to help her standing Jane heard a familiar voice.

"Jane, sweetheart."

"Ma." Jane let out rushing in her mother's arms.

"Frost came to pick me up, how are they?" Angela asked holding her daughter tight.

"Maura lost the baby Ma, my daughter is …Oh God…"

"Shhhh, everything is going to be ok, how is Maura?"Angela asked the Doctor.

"She's doing better we're going to take her to the ICU, you will be able to see her in a little while."

"What happened?"

"Maura suffered from Placental abruption, the placenta separated from her uterus causing internal bleeding. The baby was depraved of oxygen for too long, I'm very sorry we did everything we could. I'm going to take her now. I will come back for you in a little while I promise."

"Thank you Doctor." Angela said.

"Ma, our baby..Oh god." Jane kept on repeating , she couldn't believe what was happening.

"Let is go sweetheart." Angela whispered holding her daughter.

About an hour later the Doctor came back and to them to the ICU.

"How is she?" Jane mumbled whipping the tears of her face.

"We were able to extubate her, neuro exam was good, she's going to be alright."

"Thank God." Jane let out in a sob.

"There is something you need to be prepared for. A nurse will be coming to ask you if you want to see your daughter."

"Oh…"

"Of course I can not tell you what to do, it's your choice, but seeing your baby and holding her can play an important part in the mourning process. "

"It's important for them to say goodbye to her." Angela nodded.

"Yes, I know the thought of holding her might be the most terrifying thought but you need to meet your daughter and say goodbye to her. You might regret her other wise."

"Thank you Doctor, I will talk to Maura when she's ready. I'm sorry to ask you that but, will she be able to be pregnant again?" Jane asked knowing that the worse thing that could happen right now would be for Maura to be unable to carry again.

"Yes we managed to avoid the hysterectomy. You can go to see her now. We haven't told her that she had lost the baby we figured it would be better for her to hear it from you." The Doctor explained .

"She's a Doctor, she already knows." Jane said her hand on the door.

"I will stay right here if you need me."

"Thank you Ma."

So Jane entered the private room where Maura had been installed took a deep breath and slowly moved towards her.

"Hey are you feeling?" Jane pouted leaning over to gently kiss her wife's forehead.

"What happened?" Maura asked painfully trying to straight up in her bed.

"You don't remember?" Jane asked worried that Maura actually had no clue of what happened.

"No, I was standing in the kitchen watching tv and then I woke up here."

"Oh babe."

"Tell me what happened now Jane." Maura ordered panicked.

"You weren't answering your phone so Frost and I drove home and we found you unconscious on the kitchen floor, you were bleeding."Jane explained.

"OH God, the baby." Maura cried out her hand on her belly.

"I'm so sorry babe, the Doctor did everything they could but they weren't able to save her."

"Oh no, no." Maura squealed .

"Shhh, everything is going to be ok."Jane promised leaning forward to hold her wife.

"Jane, our baby…" Maura murmured her head buried in Jane's neck.

"I know, I'm going to be here everyday, don't worry about a thing, I'm taking care of you. I love you so much."

"Did you see her?" Maura sobbed rising her head.

"Not yet, the Doctor said a nurse would come and ask us if we want to."Jane replied

"I…I'm not sure if I can…I…"

"I understand, but the Doctor said it was important for us to say goodbye."

"I know, I know…can you go see her first, and bring her to me please?"

"Of course, I will be right back, I love you so much." Jane said kissing Maura's forehead.

Jane knew from that instant that she needed, that Maura needed her to be the strong one. She couldn't flinch, she couldn't cry, she couldn't let her down.

"How is she?" Angela asked as soon as her daughter closed the door behind her.

"She's devastated…She wants me to go see our daughter and to bring her . How am I supposed to do that? How am I supposed to hold my lifeless daughter in my arms."

"Because you love her and you love your wife, and you both need to say goodbye. Come on I will come with you, I'm here for both of you, I promise."

"I know Ma."

So Angela took her daughter back to the ER room where her grand daughter had died. They hadn't cleaned it yet, the floor was spoiled with bloody pads.

"Are you here to see your daughter?" The nurse shyly asked.

"Yes, my wife wants me to take her to her."

"Alright, come with me."

As she was entering the room Jane grabbed her mother's hand and closed her eyes for a second.

"I'm here sweetheart."

"Would you like to hold her?" The nurse said taking the baby out off the incubator.

"Oh God, I can not do that." Jane said taking a step back.

"It's alright sweetheart take your time."

" I have to do this for Maura, I can do this. Can you give her to me please." Jane asked putting herself together.

"Of course." The nurse replied moving towards Jane and gently putting her baby in her arms.

"Oh God." Jane whimpered her arms shaking.

"She's gorgeous, Jane." Angela replied not knowing what were the right words.

"She is, she has Maura's nose. Hey sweetheart, I'm your mom, your other mom would like to meet you now." Jane whispered moving towards

So Jane slowly moved towards the ICU holding her daughter as close to her heart as she could.

"Would you ask her if she's ready?"Jane asked angela once they reached the door.

"Sure darling."

About 5 minutes later Angela came out.

"She's ready." Angela nodded opening the door

"Hey babe, I would like you to meet our daughter." Jane mumbled moving toward her bed and trying no tot cry.

"Oh God."

"It's alright I'm going to hold her until you're ready." Jane offered.

"No I want to hold her now." Maura objected straightening up in her bed.

"Alright then." Jane nodded gently passing the baby to Maura.

The two women lied there for w while holding their unborn child, wondering how they would survive that, if they even have the strength for that.

**Alright guys, what do you think?Again I don't present to know how it feels like, but I'm trying to write as best as I could...**


	5. House hunting

**Chapter 5:**

**House hunting :**

As promised the next day Jane went to Maura's family realtor to see what kind of house she could find them. She explained the situation to the realtor to make sure that she didn't sell her the house on how ideal the neighborhood was to raise a child. Maura and Jane always planned to buy a nice house in a nice neighborhood with nice schools. parks, playgrounds, but now that having a family wasn't in their future anymore . Jane didn't want Maura to feel abnormal for not desiring to try to have another child.

She knew that Maura already felt totally inadequate as a woman as she wasn't able to carry her pregnancy to term, she knew she felt like a failure. So Jane wanted to make sure that Maura didn't feel less than a woman again and wanted to avoid any allusions that could make her feel even more abnormal .

So that sunday they went to visit several houses in different neighborhoods.

After visiting about half a dozen, the couple went home without Maura making any comments.

Once home, Maura went straight to the bedroom and lied down on their bed.

"Alright sweetie, which one did you like most?" Jane asked wrapping herself around her.

"I don't know, they were all gorgeous."

"Is there one in particular you might see us living in?"

"No, they were all too big, we don't need that much space."

"Well we do have a lot of furniture, that plus your extended collection of paintings, books and your shoes, I think we should have a room just to store your wardrobe." Jane joked trying to make Maura smiled.

"It's not what I mean, I know we have a lot of objects and furniture. I was talking about the bedrooms. We don't need a 3 bedroom house, a 2 bedroom house should be enough, one master bedroom for us and a guest room for my family or visiting friends." Maura explained her arms crossed on her chest avoiding eye contact.

"Alright sweetie, would you like us to visit some apartments?It might fit what you want more?"

"You wouldn't mind living in an apartment?"

"No, I think we might need to sacrify some of our furniture, but no, as long as I'm with you, I don't care if we live in a house, an apartment, a tepee or a yurt, I just want to be with you in a place where you feel comfortable."

"Am I selfish?I mean to confine us in an apartment when we can afford to buy the most gorgeous house in the city?"

"Of course not, you know I would have stayed in my old apartment even after we got married, it doesn't make any difference for me. Actually you know that I always found your house way too big for me."

"That's because you have a tendency of loosing your keys and other small items."

"Exactly, so living in an apartment where I don't need a map to find the bathroom is perfect for me. I will call the realtor later to tell her our new requirements."

" Well, I might have an idea…"

"Perfect, tell me."

"We could move into your old apartment." Maura pouted.

"Alright…" Jane frowned.

"You told me recently that you ran into your landlord a few weeks ago and that he was redoing the floors because he wanted to sell it. "

"Right, I totally forgot about that, he said he wanted to do it himself to save the money so it would take him weeks to do it, but I'm sure he's finished by now. I could give him a call."

" You would?" Maura said smiling, stars in her eyes.

"Of course, I loved that apartment, we had so good memories there." Jane agreed feeling shivers down her spine, it was the first time in weeks that Maura was smiling.

" I remember, we kissed for the first time in your living room, we made love for the first time in your bedroom, we came out to your parents there as well. It's a place full of good and important memories."

"I know, I remember realizing I was in love with you that night, when we first kissed, remember?"

"I remember you making a funny face afterwards and I was a bit offended thinking you didn't enjoyed the way I kissed…"

"But months later I told you that I made that face because I realized that I was in love with you while we were kissing, that it just hit me…"

"Yes, please I really want to buy it, can you call him now?" Maura pouted.

"Absolutely. Give me a few minutes, I will be right back." Jane said before kissing her tenderly.

"Alright." Maura sighed.

For the first time since she lost their baby Maura was actually excited about something and smiling. Jane was hoping that her old apartment hasn't been sold yet, she was determined to give it to Maura, no matter how much it would cost her.

So Jane called her old landlord and asked him if he was still looking for a buyer. A few minutes later, she came back to her bedroom to tell Maura the news.

"What did he say?" Maura asked biting her lower lip.

**Yeah I know, a small cliffhanger..sorry for not uploading this story…What do you think?Is moving back to Jane's apartment a good idea?Do you think Maura's reasons for not wanting a big house and for wanting Jane's apartment are understable?**


	6. Moving out to move on

**Alright guys, sorry for taking that much time to upload this chapter!**

Previously :

For the first time since she lost their baby Maura was actually excited about something and smiling. Jane was hoping that her old apartment hasn't been sold yet, she was determined to give it to Maura, no matter how much it would cost her.

So Jane called her old landlord and asked him if he was still looking for a buyer. A few minutes later, she came back to her bedroom to tell Maura the news.

"What did he say?" Maura asked biting her lower lip.

**Chapter 6 :**

**Moving out to move on :**

"Well…He hasn't redone the bathroom yet so he hasn't put it on the market yet." Jane started, determined to tease Maura.

"And?" Maura replied sitting on the edge of the bed bitting her lip .

"He wants us to come by tomorrow."

"You made him an offer?" Maura asked feeling her pulse rising.

"Yes I did, I knew how much he wanted before redoing the floor so it was easy, I offered a bit more, and I think we better bring our cheque book." Jane smiled.

"Oh Jane." Maura squealed jumping in her arms.

"Are you happy?"

"Yes,thank you." Maura said pressing her head against Jane's chest.

For the first time since they lost the baby Jane felt like there was something she could do to help Maura feeling better. For the first time Maura was smiling and that for Jane was priceless.

"Well, I think we better organize things, you know we need to pack, put what we won't bring in a storage facility, we also need to decide what to do with your house.."

"Yes we do, right now, I just want to enjoy this moment." Maura whispered dragging Jane back to bed.

"Alright." Jane nodded crawling in bed next to her wife.

The two women spent about an hour cuddling, which was the best physical contact they had in weeks.

Maura was finally smiling and willing to move forward and no matter what that meant Jane was willing to follow her.

"I think I want to sell the house, I don't want to have to come back here ever again after we move out." Maura said after considering it for a while.

"Alright, well how about we move out and I take care of it?You won't have to come back here ever again, I promise."

"Alright, well I think we could manage to pack quite fast if your family , and Frost and Korsak are willing to help us, organizing will be more a challenge then the actual packing ."

"Well leave it to my mother and trust me things are going to go fast and smoothly…" Jane joked.

"You're right…She can be a drill sergeant sometimes but a the end of the day she's our rock."

"I couldn't agree more."

"There is something I want to tell you about before we move back in your apartment."

"Alright, tell me."

"I don't want to go back to work. I mean, I can't go back to that environment, death, drama, if I want to heal I need to find something less depressing to do with my life."

"Alright, I'm sure if you're telling me that it's because you already found what you want to do, so I'm listening and what ever it is I'm supporting you."

"I would like to join my family foundation, I mean take a bigger part in it. You know my family has been focusing on education and arts and also a lot on medical research, but I think I could help the foundation refocusing on other fields."

"Well, you've been an ME long enough, you saw things on the street that most people don't see, I think you could help a lot of people in need."

"Exactly, you know what happened to us what probably the most terrible thing that could happen to a woman, apart from being sexually assaulted of course. The one thing I realized over the past weeks is that I would never have made it without you, you're my rock. Then I started to think about all those women who go through loosing a child or a husband or who are victims of sexual assault or spousal abuse and who don't have someone to support them as great as you. I think the foundation can help them, I want to help them. Will you support me?" Maura pouted knowing exactly what Jane would say.

"Of course I will support you, I'm happy you found something that you feel passionate about again. I mean I'm not saying we have to forget our baby but I think moving forward with our lives and making projects is the healthiest way for us to heal."

"I know, I'm still hurt Jane, I don't think that I will ever completely heal, physically or emotionally but you give me the strength to want to start to look forward. "

"Well I'm happy I was able to help, to be honest, I was starting to feel like there was nothing I could do to make you feel better. I mean I'm hurt too, I loved that baby more thane you can possibly imagine, but I can't imagine what loosing him must have been for you. I thought I was going to lose you for ever you know, after you almost died, I thought you would never get through it and I hated not being able to help you."

"You did, you stayed home with me, you hold me, you talked to me, you never quit even when I rejected you. I know that you're hurt as much as I am, but I think together we can get through this. I love you Jane, I always had and always will."

"I know, I love you too Maura, I always will." Jane sighed holding her tight.

For the first time since they lost the baby Jane felt there was hope, that Maura was finally willing to go on with her life. Obviously the idea of working with a new ME wasn't pleasant but if what made Maura happy was to work at the family foundation, then she had to support her.

The next day Jane and Maura went to the apartment and made a deal with the owner . After discussing it, they came to an agreement.

Maura and Jane then spent the next 3 weeks packing, well technically listening to Angela yelling and giving them orders. Neither Angela or Jane wanted Maura to work to hard, so they gave her a "supervisory" position, which unsurprisingly made Maura perfectly happy.

After packing their belongings, and decided what to keep and what to put in the storage unit, they were ready to move in.

When the D- Day came Maura stood there in the middle of the kitchen where she lost the baby.

"Hey babe, we're ready to go. Ma, Frankie and Pop will take the truck to the storage unit and unload everything while we unload everything into the apartment with Frost and Korsak." Jane explained as she entered the kitchen.

"Alright, just give me a minute." Maura replied looking at huge discolored spot floor.

"Oh baby, Im sorry, I should have fixed it ." Jane apologized snaking her hands around her wife's waist.

"You had other priorities, just make sure you to fix it before you put it on the market, we don't want potential buyers to think there was a murder here." Maura instructed with a very cold and distant voice, looking a the spot where she bleed out and lost her baby.

Right after Maura lost the baby, Angela took it on her to clean the kitchen, so she scrubbed the dark wooden floor with bleach. She didn't want her daughter to have to do that.

"I'll take care of it alright?We have to move forward now." Jane said her head resting on Maura's shoulder.

"I know, let's go I can't stay here anymore." Maura affirmed .

So Jane and Maura along with Korsak and Frost made their way to their new apartment.

Frost and Korsak who were more then happy to help, drove the truck and once arrived at the apartment help the girls to unload it.

At the end of the day everybody was exhausted, dozens of boxes were lying in the living room and a few suit cases in their bedroom.

The only thing they took time to put in place was their bed. Even if they could have slept at her parents' or check into a hotel, Jane wanted them to spend the night here.

Around 8 pm every body was gone and the apartment was a mess, but quiet.

"I think we're all set." Jane proudly stated entering their bedroom.

"I think so, you must be exhausted, you know you could have let me helped carrying boxes, some of them were fairly light." Maura grumbled as she was making their bed.

"I know, but I didn't want you to do any heavy lifting, you helped a lot, you organized and coordinated the whole thing. I will let you unpack if you want. How about we order something to eat and then we go to bed, I'm swamped, I can barely feel my arms and legs." Jane said falling on their bed.

"Well, why don't you jump in the shower, I left you a clean towel and your favorite pajama in the bathroom. I will order us some food in the mean time."

So Jane dragged her body to the bathroom and took a long and hot well deserved shower .

The couple ate some chances food from their favorite place and went to bed around 9 O clock.

"Thank you Jane, for what you did today." Maura said settling in next to her.

"You're welcome babe, actually you have to thank the gang, without them we wouldn't have been able to put this together in such a short period of time, we're lucky to have them."

"I know, once we finish unpacking we have to organize a dinner to thank them all." Maura agreed resting her head on Jane's chest.

"Absolutely, try to get some sleep now alright, we still have a lot to do tomorrow."

"Yes we do, goodnight, I love you."

"I love you too babe." Jane replied kissing the top of her head.

Jane who was exhausted fell asleep in minutes. Maura whose body wasn't solicited as much as Jane's lied there thinking about their future. Obviously she felt much better not having to step into that kitchen where she lost her baby, but she knew that the road toward complete recovery if such thing even existed would be long and painful. She knew that Jane will always been supportive of her and of the decision she would make from now on, but she was hoping that she would understand that even if they made an important step forward today, they would still have to go a long way before they could be the couple they used to be…

**So guys, what do you think? I know I moved forward very fast in this chapter but they need to. So Maura is going to work at the family 's foundation and Jane is going back to work BUT it doesn't mean that they're ok as a couple. Maura will somehow use her new job to stay a bit away from Jane …Maybe moving out was just an escape..it didn't really solved anything...And maybe their relationship will take a serious hit when a new ME arrives and Jane who feels abandoned by Maura again gets close to her...I haven't written anything yet...so I'm opened to suggestions!**

**As always reviews are more then welcome!**


	7. Meeting the new ME

**Chapter 7:**

**Meeting with the new ME.**

The next day Jane painfully woke up around 9 am. She slowly tried to straighten up in her bed and gently sat on the edge on her bed,cracking her toes on the wooden floor. She then slowly woke up and walked toward the living room expecting to find Maura unpacking.

"Hey there." Jane painfully grinned holding her back.

"Good morning, how are you feeling?" Maura said seeing how hurt Jane looked.

"How many muscles are there in the human body?"

"Around 800."

"Well I can tell you that all of them are hurting right now."

"Oh poor little thing…Come here. Are you hungry?" Maura asked helping Jane to settle down on the couch.

"No, my stomach muscles hurt so much that I can't feel hunger ." Jane grumbled.

"Well maybe you should take a hot bath, it would help your muscles to relax."

"Would you join me?" Jane joked not realizing how bold that was.

The truth was that their relationship was a little bit better ever since they started talking about a month ago and decided to move out. Maura wouldn't sleep at the end of the bed anymore, she would stay close to Jane as she used to.

She would also be more tactile with Jane, kissing her, holding her hand, allowing her to hold her, those were simple gestures but they were important for Jane. Jane knew that she couldn't ask for much, that things had to go at Maura's pace not hers. Obviously she wanted more then kiss and hold her, she wanted them to be a married couple again, but Maura wasn't ready for that.

" I think it might be too early for that Jane, I'm sorry."

"Oh baby, It's me who should apologize, sometimes I speak without even thinking first. I know you're not ready." Jane apologized holding Maura's hand.

Seeing the look on Jane's face Maura's heart melt, just like every time Jane looked at her. Never in her life she saw so much, love, support and compassion. She felt terrible to put Jane through this, because she's been nothing but supportive and understanding over the past 2 months, but she wasn't ready and as much as she loved Jane she couldn't force herself .

"It's alright, I know it must be hard for you, you have needs just like any other human being."

"The only thing I need is to be with you, alright? Do I miss making love to you?Yes, of course I do. But I don't want to urge you or pressure you, I will be patient, take as much time as you need. All I need is us to be together and to move forward, just don't over think it, when the time is right , things will come together naturally, just like the first time, remember?"

"Of course I do, you gave me the most intense orgasm of my life that night." Maura replied smiling remembering the first night they spent together.

"I don't want to brag but I gave you 3 life altering orgasms."

"Yes you did, I thought I was going to pass out."

"So did I actually. But what I remember most about that night was that I kissed here right here on that couch, I looked deep into your gorgeous eyes and I realized that I was not only going to make love to you all night but that I was going to spend the rest of my life with you." Jane said stars in her eyes as she remembered that night.

"That's when I knew too, first I realized that you were probably going to literally eat me and then I realized that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you."

"And I still feel the same way Maura, 3 years later my love is stronger then ever. I know I'm far from being perfect but I love you and I'm here for you."

"I know. I guess I just need time. I know you've been so patient with me and I feel terrible about making you wait even more…"

"I waited my entire life to be with you Maura, what happened to you is a terrible loss and I can't expect you to feel better over night."

"I feel selfish for keeping you from having a baby that's all, you could easily find a woman who can or want have a child."

"Stop it, you're the only one I want, having a child was never my priority, don't think that not having a child will cause a void in my life because it won't. All I need to be happy is you, only you."

"Alright, anyway I called my mother this morning and told her I wanted to join the foundation."

"What did she say?"

"She told me she was very happy that it might actually help me to help other people, and that working at the work would probably be to hard for me. She ask me to work on a proposal for the board so they know exactly what my ideas are."

"That makes sense, I'm sure you don't need to convince them, I mean it's your foundation you can do what ever you want, but if you want to give a new direction to it, it's maybe wise to do things properly with a formal proposal."

"Exactly I don't want them to feel like I'm just jumping into this and that I want to change everything. So my mother will arrange for a board meeting next week. I'm sorry but as soon as we finish unpacking I will have to start working on it. "

"I understand, I guess I could go back to work then, if it's ok with you…"

"Sure, I mean I will start working as soon as the meeting is over so I guess you could go back to work as well."

"Alright, I think I should pay a visit to the new ME."

"Well I heard she very competent, I'm sure you're going to like her."

"Well it won't be the same but If Korsak can work with her, I'm sure I can."

"So do I."

Later that week Jane decided to go to the morgue to meet the new Medical Examiner. Maura was so busy with her proposal for the foundation that she barely had time for her. So she decided to take this opportunity to go check on her team and introduce herself to the new ME.

"So I'm on my way, shouldn't take long." Jane said putting her jacket on.

"Alright, I will see you later." Maura said her eyes fixated on her laptop's screen.

"Love you." Jane whispered leaning over kissing the top of her wife's head.

"Love you too."

Jane was a bit disappointed. She expected things to get better after they moved it, but they didn't. Maura was distant and stayed focused on her project. She didn't seem to be hurt anymore. Actually that's what worried Jane : the total lack of feelings. Before they moved out, Maura was in constant pain but at least Jane knew how she felt, because she could see and feel it. Now Maura was like a robot, she barely touched her, barely looked at her, all she could think about was her stupid proposal. She acted like nothing ever happened. Moving was supposed to help them, so bring them closer. Jane knew that staying in that house was painful for Maura. She was hoping moving would help her to talk about it, but it's the oposite , she completely shut down.

So Jane drove to the morgue, took a deep breath and Knocked at the door of the new ME:

"Excuse me." Jane politely said knocking on door.

"Please come in, you must be Detective Rizzoli." The tall brunette said.

"Yes, I wanted to properly introduce myself before coming back to work." Jane nervously replied biting her lip.

The new ME who was standing in front of her was about 1.75 meter, with brown eyes and long dark hair, with a very strong Boston accent.

"I'm Doctor Cavanaugh. Thank you for coming, I'm sure the situation must be hard for you and I will do my best to make the transition as smooth as possible." She replied shaking Jane's trembling hand.

"Thank you, well Maura has been our ME for 6 years now, but from what the guys told me you adjusted in quite well."

"Well they were very welcoming, how is Doctor Isles?" She asked offering Jane to sit on Maura's couch.

" She's better thank you. She decided to take a break from the morgue, she will be working at her family foundation for a while, or possibly for ever."

"Well, I can understand that after such a traumatic even she doesn't want to be surrounded by death. I'm happy she found another way to help people."

"Yes, she has some great ideas, I see that you still have pictures of her on the desk, you haven't moved anything…"

"It wasn't my place to move your wife's things, I wanted her to find everything the way she left them, see I installed my things on my own desk." The tall brunette said pointed out a huge desk a few feet away from Maura's.

"That's very thoughtful of you, thank you, but Maura isn't coming back I will clean her things when I get back."

"When are you planning to, if I may ask?"

"Well I don't know, I would like to take Maura for a vacation you know , once we she starts working at the foundation and I working here again we won't have time."

"I know what you mean, a nice vacation is always good before going back to work When was the last time you actually took a vacation?" Dr Cavanaugh nodded.

"About a year ago, we decided to take a little trip to the Bahamas where Maura's parents have a house. It was just before we decided to have a baby, you know you thought that after the baby would arrive we wouldn't be able to take any vacations by ourselves for a while so…" Jane explained a tear at the corner of her eye.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you think about your baby…" The new ME replied her hand on Jane's.

"Well you didn't. Things could have been worse; I could have lost Maura. So anyway I better go, she's expecting me." Jane said standing up.

"Alright I will see you after your vacation Detective, give me regards to Dr Isles."

"I will, thank you." Jane smiled as she walked away.

As she was watching Jane walk away the new ME realized that her reputation was justified. She was as gorgeous and caring as people described her and she knew that working with her would be more a challenge that she would have wanted.

So Jane went back home and find Maura in the exact same position she was when she left.

So Jane mechanically walked towards the frige and grabbed a beer.

"How is she?" Maura asked from the couch.

"She's ok, I guess…"

"Does she look competent?"

"She does, her credential look impressive, not as much as yours but I heard she was doing a pretty good job."

"Do you think you will be able to work with her?"

"Oh yeah definitely ." Jane smiled.

"You like her don't you?"

"I spent 10 minutes with her, it's a little early to say."

"You find her attractive don't you?" Maura harshly demanded narrowing her eye brows.

"Here we go…" Jane grunted knowing that they were headed to an argument.

"What ?It's a simple question."

"Look Maura, you're my wife, I love you and you're the only one who I lie my eyes on, I don't look or see other women."

"WOW, that sounded like a well rehearsed speech." Maura said, dripping with sarcasm.

"Alright." Jane started taking a deep breath and holding Maura's hand."I love you Maur' I always have and always will, I know you don't think of yourself as very attractive of lovable at the moment, but can assure you that you have nothing to be worried about alright?You're my girl I don't want anybody else."

"I know, it's just I haven't be such a good wife lately…I could understand you would like to seek affection somewhere else…"

"You're hurt, so Am I…It's a work in progress, what happened to you hurt you and hurt me but I wont let it hurt us . I won't cheat on you Maura, no matter how long it takes you to let me touch you again. Actually I was telling Dr Cavanaugh that I wanted to take you on holidays before going back to work. I think we both need an deserve, I thought we could go to the bahamas again, we had so much fun last time."

"I'm sorry Jane, I have to work on this proposal, maybe for Christmas."

"Alright." Jane sighed . She wasn't willing to fight, she knew that Maura didn't want to go on holidays, actually she started to wonder if Maura really wanted them to be the way they used to be, and that scared her to death.

So Jane left Maura work on her proposal, she went into her bedroom and grabbed her gun and sat at her desk and started to meticulously clean it. She made up her mind : she was going back to work sooner then expect. Maura didn't seem to care or to want to spend time with her, and she needed to do what was good for her for once. And right now what would keep up from sinking was to go back to work.

Jane was willing to do everything and anything for Maura, to help her, but she had least needed her wife to show her that she still cared and that she needed her. That wasn't the case at the moment and she didn't know what to do about it.

**Alright guys, sorry for the delay...**

**Special thanks to FineLine who gave me the more enthusiastic review I ever received, so yes technically every you wrote in your review can happen, it would be logical and expectable, but if you read my others stories, you should know I don't usually go where other people go.**

**As always it only takes 30 seconds to review!**


	8. Going back to work

**Chapter 8 :**

**Going back to work.**

Two days later Jane was ready to go back to work. When she asked Maura if she had any objection to her going back on the job, Maura didn't flinch, she was too busy working on her proposal to even see that her wife was in pain.

So that morning Jane quietly woke up, slid out of bed got dressed and directly went to the station. Maura was still sleeping and she didn't want to waker her up.

"I love you so much, please don't give up on us, I'll do what ever it takes." Jane whispered before leaning a soft kiss on her wife's forehead before leaving for work.

Little she knew Maura wasn't sleeping at all. As she heard Jane's words and felt her breath on her face she had to fight hard to hold her tears.

As soon as Jane was out of the apartment she burst into tears. She was loosing Jane, she never thought it was possible, but she was loosing her. Maura and Jane always saw themselves as soul mates, in the most romantic and passionate way you can imagine. They always thought that they could face everything, Hoyt, Doyle, Jane shooting herself.

Lying down in bed crying Maura realized that they were always able to survive everything because of one simple thing : communication. They talked about everything, good or bad, and they knew that being best friends at first certainly helped their relationship. The thing was Maura didn't have anything to say to Jane. She felt like they already talked about loosing their baby. She felt like she cried all the tears a human being could possibly produce. She wasn't feeling sad or angry about it anymore, she felt empty, and that was worse then suffering, because when you're in pain as unbearable and excruciating as it is, at least you know it means you're still alive.

Ever since they moved back in Jane's old apartment Maura felt like the shadow of herself, she didn't recognize herself at all. She felt like her body was possessed and that she was outside her body watching herself doing and seeing things without being able to do anything about it.

Maura Isles possessed extensive knowledge of various subject including human psychology, but the wasn't able to do the simplest thing on earth : talk to her wife. She knew that Jane wouldn't leave her, that it wasn't her type and that she loved her too much her, but she knew that if she continued her pushing her away or ignoring her like that she would hurt her beyond repair.

Jane arrived at work around half past eight, an empty box in her hand. As she was walking out the elevator she could see that they were all gathered around her desk, waiting for her : Korsak, Frost, Frankie Jr and even the new ME.

She took a deep breath and walked toward them.

"The return of the prodigal Detective." Frost enthusiastically said as she stood up to welcome her back.

"Hey guys." Jane shyly says as Frost was coming to her.

"We missed you big sis."

"I missed you two guys, from what I heard the crime rate hasn't raised too much since I left." Jane joked a little uncomfortable.

"Well that's because we didn't want to have you on our back." Korsak replied moving towards her to give her a very paternal hug.

"I tried to keep them on a short leech but you know how hard they are to handle." Dr Cavanaugh smiled.

"Tell me about it, would you take me downstairs please? I need to pack my wife's things." Jane politely said.

Wife?Why didn't she call Maura by her name? Being around the new Medical Examiner, Jane felt something weird, she felt the need to reaffirm her relationship with Maura, to emphasize on the fact that she was her wife.

"Sure, please follow me."

So the two women took the elevator down to the morgue in silence. Dr Cavanaugh didn't know Jane at all, all she knew was what she heard. She was actually eager to found out if her reputation was accurate. Once thing was sure : she was as gorgeous as people describe and even better then on the pictures spread around Maura's office.

As they were in the elevator Dr Cavanaugh could feel her pulse rising and shivers down her spine as their hands touched as they came out the elevator.

"_That woman is almost magnetic_." She said to herself trying not to stare.

"Thank you for keeping things as they used to be for that long."

"You're welcome, I always thought Dr Isles would come back. Do you need a hand ?"

"I'm good thanks." Jane replied as she started to gather Maura's things, starting by a picture of them on their wedding day.

Seeing Jane looking at that picture Dr Cavanaugh, felt like Jane was mourning Maura somehow. Jane was staring at that picture, like if it had been taken a million years ago, when they used to be happy. Dr Cavanaugh didn't know Jane at all, but she could sense that she had a lot on her mind and on her heart. Jane had this dark around surrounding her, and Dr Cavanaugh could see it. Even if she wanted to know more about her, she decided to give her some sap and privacy and simply went to work on some report she needed to finish.

At the other side of town, Maura was still trying to write this proposal, but she couldn't focus. She couldn't stop thinking about the gap that she was creating between her and Jane. Maura knew that as much as Jane loved and supported her, feeling rejected like that might slow or even stop her desire to help her. She needed to do something, anything, to show her she still loved her and that she was still willing to work on their relationship.

So Maura drove to the station hoping to surprise Jane by taking her to lunch.

Instead of going to the squad room she instinctively took the elevator down to the morgue.

As the door opened on what used to be her safe place Maura realized that she wasn't at the right place and was about to push the button to close the doors when she heard a familiar sound. It was Jane's laugh, that very particular laugh that made her fall in love with her years ago. Intrigued Maura quietly followed the sound and saw Jane on her couch sitting next to the new medical examiner. All she could see of Jane from where she was standing was her back but it was clear that she was enjoying herself. She had a very clear view on her replacement though:

"_So that's the woman they hired to replace me?I should have conducted the interviews myself, I wouldn't have picked someone as gorgeous as her._" Maura said to herself observing the pair form a distance.

Even if she could only see Jane's back, she could see that Dr Cavanaugh was not only smiling at Jane, but obviously flirting, twisting her her and looking at her lips like she wanted to kiss her so badly.

After a few minutes of spying oh them Maura decided she had seen enough and decided to drive back home, heart broken.

When she arrived home she went straight to bed and crawled in fetal position.

"_She was laughing, I'm not saying she was flirting, but she was sure enjoying herself. Now I know was so she was in such a hurry to go back to work. Come on Maura stop thinking like that , Jane isn't a cheater, she loves you and respect you and doesn't want to be with another woman._" Maura said to herself trying to reassure herself.

She knew that Jane was faithful and loyal, that she wouldn't cheat on her because she was sexually frustrated. But as optimistic as she was trying to be she knew Jane was only human and that she had basic needs of attention and affection and that even if she would never sleep with Doctor Cavanaugh she might still find a way to get what she needed from her.

That night Jane came home quite early, not that Maura would care, but she still wanted to make some efforts for her.

When Jane pushed the bedroom door there she was, lying on their bed in a very suggestive position, wearing nothing but a red neglige Jane bought her for their last Valentine's day. As she slowly entered the room Jane took a look around : Maura had turned the lights off and spread perfumed candles everywhere.

"Maura, what…"

"Don't be shy, please join me." Maura seductively asked.

Jane could see how nervous her wife was. The truth was they hadn't had sex since they lost the baby a little 3 months ago.

"Sure." Jane nodded swallowing hard and crawling in bed next to Maura.

"Do you like what you see?"

"Of course I do, you're beautiful." Jane replied staying at a reasonable distance.

"Good, not that I intend to keep this on for too long…" Maura shyly teased moving closer to Jane.

"Wait, not that I don't appreciate what you're doing, but I thought you weren't ready, I mean you barely talk to me these days." Jane objected trying to be as delicate as possible.

She knew that Maura was making a huge effort by offering herself to her like that. It was clear by the terrified look on herself that she wasn't ready to have sex, but for some reason she was willing to do it anyway.

"I know and I'm sorry, I guess I was a bit busy with my proposal, and I neglected you, I'm sorry." Maura apologized feeling that her her of seducing her wife were probably in vain.

"Don't apologize, it's actually nice to see you putting your heart in something like that. I haven't seen you that enthusiastic about a new project in a long time."

"Well I am, but I don't want talk about it right now, I think we waited long enough." Maura said her hand on Jane's chest in a last desperate attempt to seduce her.

"I'm flattered babe, I truly Am, but I'm swamped. The day started quietly but then we got called on a attempted murder." Jane said before gently leaning a kiss on her wife's lips before getting out off bed and moving towards the bathroom.

Things were worse then Maura originally thought, Jane refused to make love which never happened before. Part of her wanted to be optimistic by thinking that Jane only refused because she could feel she wasn't comfortable, but the more pessimistic or realistic part of her couldn't help but thinking that Jane just didn't want to make love to her. That was the worse that could happened, it was like Jane had stopped loving her somehow or at least loved her less. Jane and Maura had two very strong tempers, they argued, at work and at home, but Maura always knew that Jane loved her, she could see the love and desire in her eyes. But today for the first time, she couldn't see the desire in her eyes anymore and that was carrying her.

In the bathroom Jane took a cold shower, as a way of waking herself up. She couldn't even explained what just happened. She couldn't believe that she just refused to make love to Maura. After months of pushing her away, Maura finally reached out to her physically and she rejected her.

After putting herself Jane went back into their bedroom, and found that Maura in the dark, on her side, trembling.

So Jane slowly slid in bed and gently wrapped her arms around Maura.

"I love you, I'm sorry. " Jane whispered unable to even justify herself.

"It's because of her isn't it?" Maura sobbed turning around to face Jane, she needed to look at her straight in the eyes .

"Because of who?" Jane asked weeping a tear of her wife's cheek with her thumb.

"The new Medical Examiner, I saw you with her."

"You saw me with her?"

"Yes, I came by the station today, I wanted to surprise you and take you to lunch. I somehow mechanically went down to the morgue and I saw you, with her, laughing."

"Oh baby, I'm sorry, I don't know what you think you saw, but nothing happened, we were just having a nice chat. She actually grew up right here in Boston, a few blocks from me. But nothing happen, I promise."

"You were laughing Jane, I haven't seen you laughing since…..since we lost the baby. I wished I was the one to make you laugh." Maura confessed bursting into tears.

" Please Maura, stop crying, please, I'm sorry, I guess I just needed a good laugh and she was there. It didn't mean anything."

"She made you happy, when I couldn't."

"Is that why you offered yourself to me like that?"

Maura didn't replied, she simply nodded burying her head in Jane's neck.

"Shhh, everything is going to be alright, I promise, nothing happened and nothing will ever happen, you're the one I love, please calm down." Jane whispered rubbing Maura's back.

The two women fell asleep feeling equally miserable.

Jane couldn't believe that Maura over reacted like that, just seeing her laugh with another woman.

After thinking about it for a while she realized that Maura saw is as a treason, almost as she cheated on her. In Maura's mind they were supposed to get through the loss of their baby together, they were supposed to start laughing together, to start feeling normal together, not with someone else.

Worse part was that Jane didn't feel as guilty as she thought she would. Maura was right, Dr Cavanaugh offered her something she couldn't provide : attention. For a few minutes when they were talking Jane forgot about loosing the baby and about almost loosing Maura. Ad horrible as it sounded , for one minute she didn't feel the weight of being Maura's saver pressing on her shoulder, and it felt good. For one moment she only thought about herself, about enjoying herself and she didn't feel guilty about it, even it she had enjoyed herself with another woman.

Maura also felt terrible, she felt like she over reacted , that nothing really happened, that it was just a good laugh, not a good shag.

But she couldn't help but thinking that Dr Cavanaugh was there to give her that moment she needed, and that some day she might be here to give her more.

**So guys, thanks for the reviews on the last chapter, I'm surprised by the interest this story is receiving!Don't worry Maura is going to react and do something soon...**

**As always reviews are welcome!**


	9. Taking Actions

**Chapter 9 :**

**Taking actions : **

The next morning Jane woke up early and spend a little while looking at Maura sleeping. She looked so peaceful. Actually Jane didn't sleep at all, she spent the night trying to figure out how to help her wife. Jane previously thought that Maura had built a wall around her heart to make herself stop feeling, but obviously it wasn't working very well. She needed to do something, now or she was going to loose her.

"Good morning sweetheart." Jane murmured sweeping some hair off her wife's face.

"Good morning Detective." Maura mumbled her eyes still humid from a night of crying.

"How are you feeling?"

"Better, I thought I didn't have any more tears left. I think I might not know the human body as well as I thought. I'm sorry for embarrassing myself like that."

"Don't say that, you needed to express how you felt. As horrible as it sounds of me to say that, crying means you're hurt, that you still feel something. To be honest with you, since we moved back I feel like you're not feeling anything anymore."

"I know, I completely occulted what happened to me, I wanted us to start over. I guess it wasn't the most appropriate approach."

"It wasn't. But we're only human beings, we make mistakes. I still think you're perfect." Jane smiled gently rubbing Maura's cheek with her thumb.

"You're sweet…After the way I rejected, then ignored you, not to mention I spied on you and almost believed you were going to cheat on me."

"I think your sense of perspective is tainted by your pain. Maybe we need help, or some time apart?"

"You want to leave me?"

"No, of course not, I love you, I just feel like you don't want me around anymore."

"Oh Jane, I do want you, I'm sorry, I don't know, I guess moving back here was just an escape but it didn't solve anything. I thought leaving the house where I lost our baby would help me, you know not having to go into that kitchen everyday. But I think we just moved away from it but it's still here. I'm still hurt."

"I know babe, moving out was just the first step, you're right having to be in that kitchen every day was painful, now we live in a house that we love and feel comfortable in, that is filled with good memories."

"You're right, I'm so grateful for your support, but you should really go to work."

"I should, you need to get prepared , today is the big day right?"

"Yes, today after lunch I'm meeting the foundation's board to present my proposal, would you come with me?"

"Of course, how about you pick me up for lunch, so I can help you rehearse?"

"That's sounds like a good idea."

"Alright, I will see you then, go back to sleep for a couple of hours. I love you." Jane whispered leaning a gentle kiss on her lips.

"I love you too." Maura replied before going back to sleep.

Around 2 hours later Maura woke up and got dressed, it wasn't lunch time yet but there was something she needed to do before meeting with Jane. Something that might safe her marriage, something she needed to do to regain power over her own life.

Half an hour later Dr Maura Isles found herself in front her old office. As she was standing there she took a look around, at was used to be her safe place, the most important place for her. Now things had changed, Maura wasn't afraid of living human beings anymore and she wasn't alone. Being with Jane gave her the strength and confidence she needed to face things that used to scare her, and what she was about to do was one of them.

So Maura took a deep breath and knocked at the door.

"Dr Isles." Dr Cavanaugh said as she recognized her predecessor.

"Dr Cavanaugh." Maura replied stepping into her old office.

"It's an honor to finally meet you, I have heard a lot about you. Did you want to see Jane?She' not here at the moment. I can call her if you want."

"I'm not here to see her, I'm here to see you."

"Alright please sit."

"I prefer to stand. This won't take long. I just wanted to tell you that I love my wife, more then I ever loved any body before. Actually I never thought loving someone that much was possible. I'm here to tell you that I understand that you can provide her with things that I can't give her right now, but I won't let you destroy what we have." Maura said looking at the taller brunette straight in the eyes, showing her no fear.

"I don't know what you're talking about Jane and I are only colleagues." Dr Cavanaugh mumbled taking a step back.

"I saw you yesterday, smiling, flirting, twisting your hair. I'm not the kind of woman who particularly enjoys threatening people, but I'm warning you, back off or you might find yourself hurt." Maura groaned narrowing her eye brows.

"Look, with all due respect, you can't tell me how to behave around her. I'm a very friendly and warm person and if she wants to be around me and if she's willing to receive things from me you can't give her, I won't stop her. Unlike you I'm available and I can give her everything she needs."

"Jane is smarter then you think, she's going to figure you out in no time and when that day comes, I will be happy to kick you out of this office myself."

"It might be sooner then you thought." A voice suddenly said from a distance.

"Jane." Maura smiled without even turning around.

"Jane, I don't know what you heard, but it's not what it looks like." Dr Cavanaugh mumbled a bit terrorized by the look on Jane's face.

"So you didn't just challenged and threatened my wife?" Jane groaned moving next to Maura wrapping her arm around her waist.

"No, I mean, I'm sorry, I felt threatened so I stroke back. Dr Isle, my apologies, I didn't mean to threatened your marriage."

"You didn't." Maura triumphantly replied feeling Jane's strong arm around her.

For the first time in a long time, Maura felt strong, she felt Jane's unconditional love and support. Suddenly she started to realize that Jane was never going to betray her, that Dr Cavanaugh wasn't the kind of person who could come between them.

"Come on, Maura, let's go have lunch, my mom dropped by earlier and she made you her famous apple pie. You, if you ever even think about my wife in an appropriate way, I will kill you." Jane rasped looking straight into the New ME's eyes pointing her finger at her.

"Trust me she would, she's highly skilled. " Maura joked .

"Jane..I…"

"It's Detective Rizzoli for you." Jane concluded before leaving the morgue with her wife at her arm.

The two woman left the morgue holding hands feeling as connected as they used to be and full of hope. Jane didn't feel like Maura didn't want her aymore. She saw her fighting for her, and found it not only reassuring but also very sexy.

Maura for the first time since she lost the baby felt strong and started to believe in herself again. Plus she knew that Jane loved her and was there for her, not matter what.

They went for lunch knowing that they would be alright now, that they just needed to take their time and talk about things and trust each other to make them better.

**Alright guys, it's a lame chapter...next one will be the last one with an happy ending... This story could have been longer, but I didn't want to put them through unnecessary pain.**

**Please review!**


	10. New start

**Chapter 10 :**

**New start :**

After the confrontation with Dr Cavanaugh Jane took Maura to lunch, but they didn't talk about it. Maura needed to practice her speech .

Around 2 o'clock, Maura and Jane joined Mrs Isles and the board at the family mansion.

Jane quietly sat next to Maura listening to her giving her speech. She was so proud of her. Maybe it was the adrenaline of confronting Dr Cavanaugh, but Maura was showing an amount of confidence she hadn't shown in a long time. As she was carefully listening to her wife's speech Jane couldn't keep her eyes away from her lips.

_"God, she's sexy when she's confident like that. Actually I think I would have paid a lot of money to see her kick that bitch's ass. Because she could take her,my wife is a bad ass_." Jane said to herself with a corner smile on her face.

After about an hour, the meeting was over and Jane and Maura were able to go home.

"Now that we're home, you can tell me exactly what you've been dying to tell me for hours." Maura smiled as they entered their apartment.

"I was just thinking that my wife is such a bad ass." Jane replied looking at Maura with such desire that Maura instantly knew she was in trouble, so to speak.

"Take me the the bedroom now."

"I was planning on it." Jane said as she strongly lifted Maura off her feet and took her to their bedroom.

"I love you." Maura whispered her arms strongly wrapped around Jane's neck.

"I love you too. " Jane said as she gently put her on their bed.

So Jane and Maura made love for the first time in month. For the first time since they lost the baby they literally opened their minds, hearts and bodies to each other without restrain. It was everything their very first time was, a bit hesitant,passionate, romantic . The two women who thought they had lost each other and who until a few hours ago were barely able to communicate managed to pleasure each other to a new level. They connected both emotionally and physically like they never did before.

"Wow." Maura breathed on her head falling on Jane's chest.

"Yes, I think Wow is appropriate. I didn't hurt you did I?" Jane asked looking down.

"Of course not, the physical pain stopped after about 4 weeks. I'm perfectly healed, don't worry." Maura replied sliding her finger's on Jane's sweaty chest.

"Good…" Jane nodded.

The couple spent the rest of the day cuddling in silent, they didn't need to talk. Making love again was their way of reconnecting with each, both physically and emotionally.

Around dinner time:

"Someone is hungry." Maura joked moving towards Jane's belly.

"It's your fault, you just draw all the energy I had left, after such intense both physical and emotional stimulation my body needs to regenerate, that's all."

"I know…You know today for the first time in months I felt like we were us again or at least that we would be soon."

"I know what you mean, seeing you fighting for me like that helped me realize that you still wanted me and us, and that you were still willing to fight for it."

"I know… I think it took me almost loosing you to realize that I couldn't be passive anymore and just lean on you and wait for you to help me. If I want to heal I have to fight as much as you do."

"I know, I think we're going to be fine, seeing you kicking Jordan's ass and seeing you talking to the board, I recognized that confidence you possess that made me feel in love with you. Also as we were making love you showed me how much you trusted me, so I think we're going to be alright now."

"Does that make us bad parents?I mean being to move on ?"

"Of course not. Moving on and healing doesn't mean we stopped being sad or hurt, or that we forgot about our daughter. It just mean that we're ready to continue living our lives, while remembering our daughter."

"I will never forget her, feeling her grow inside of me…It was incredible, that's why I don't want to get pregnant again. I want to keep this experience unique so I can cherish it for the rest of my life."

"It makes sense. Don't worry, I think you and I are going to be very happy, with Bass and Joe Friday ." Jane replied kissing her forehead and drawing circles on her wife's back with her fingers.

"Well, actually I was thinking that we could re consider having another baby." Maura shyly offered biting her lower lip.

"Are you serious?" Jane squealed.

"Yes, I didn't want another child because I thought It would mean that I forgot about our daughter. I thought it would be like starting dating again if something happened to you. But you helped me realize that I can keep our baby in hour hearts, continuing to live our lives and moving forwards."

"Well if I died I would like you to be happy and to eventually start dating again. I'm sure our daughter would want us to be happy too."

"Yes, she would. I think we could adopt, there are so many babies that needs a home. "

"I know, I wouldn't let you get pregnant again, It scared me too much when I almost lost you. " Jane agreed remembering the worse day of her life.

"I know…"

"Alright, I think we're not ready yet to consider having another child, but if you want to, when the moment is right, I will be happy to adopt a baby with you. On one condition."

"Alright…"

"I want to work at the foundation with you."

"OK…I don't know what to say… You love your job, you're the best."

"I love helping people. But if we want to start a family I have to rethink my priorities. I love being a cop, but it's way too dangerous, and I'm way too reckless. You and our child would spend your days worrying for me and I don't want to put you through this. Not to mention that taking care of a child is a full time job. I don't want to miss and soccer games or school meetings. I want to raise our child with you and make you guys my priority."

"I never thought you would do that, but your facial movements seem to indicate that you meant every word you just said." Maura replied narrowing her eyes trying to read Jane's facial expressions.

"I think almost loosing you changed my priorities. I meant what I said, of course if you don't mind us living on your family's money, because my pension won't be much."

"I don't mind at all. I inspired you during my speech, didn't I?"

"You did, I realized there was so many ways to help people and to be honest with you, working without you isn't the same. I loved my job so much because I got to do it with you, I miss you every minute when I'm at work away from you."

"I miss you too. I know that together we can achieve a lot. I love you Jane."

"I love you too Maura for ever and always."

A few weeks later, Jane officially quit the Boston PD after 10 years to join Maura at the foundation, which was renamed The Rizzoli- Isles family foundation. Together they managed to financed severals smaller charitable foundations and also put together their own project : A center that was going to help people recover from all sorts of traumas : from witnessing a crime, to being the victim of a crime or losing a family member to a violent crime. They hired the best psychologists possible and also gathered an impressive lists of volunteers including Frankie, Frost and Korsak. This project was important for Jane because after catching a killer she always had this feeling of unfinished business. She knew that catching the murderer brought closure to the families but she also knew that the way to recover from such a traumatic event that was loosing a spouse, a friend, or a child or even witnessing a crime was long and painful and she always regretted that she couldn't do more when she was a cop. Thanks to her and Maura victims had now a place to go, to talk to other victims or to psychologist. Jane who always thought she needed the adrenaline of chasing the bad guys to feel alive found a new way to help people that actually satisfied her deeply. Maura and Jane were more then happy to work as a team again. Just like when they worked together in the past they completed each other perfectly : Maura would take care of finding new founding and of the general financial and administrative aspects of their project and Jane was right where she belonged : on the field , talking to victims, organizing support groups.

About 6 months later, the couple were happy to adopt a baby girl, they choose to name Angela, after Jane's mom as a way of thanking her for the precious help that she provided when Maura lost the baby.

They never forgot their first baby and after they adopted their little girl they started to visit her grave. They had named her Aaliyah, which in Hebrew meant, going up, ascending, which was appropriate now that she was above them, looking over them. They made sure to visit her and talk to her as often as possible. They also made sure that little Angela knew that she once had a big sister. They never forgot their daughter, even if it never completely stopped hurting, the pain started to feel more like nostalgia, they started to remember the good moments of Maura's pregnancy, the first time Maura felt her kicking, the 5th month ultrasound when they found out they were expected a girl, the tears on Jane's face when she learned she was about to be a mom. At first remembering those moments was painful, but after a while it brought a smile on their faces. The love Maura and Jane had been shown to be bullet proof. That unconditional love and support they felt for each other helped them to overcome the most terrible loss a human being can experience, and their love only came out stronger.

A few years after adopting little Angela, right when she started school Maura started her own project : a support structure to help women who like her had lost a child. It took her several years to be ready to do that, she knew she would have to open up, to talk about it with other mothers just like Jane opened up about Hoyt to the people who attended her support groups. So when she felt ready and actually had more time she fully invested herself in that new project. The structure was in the same place as Jane's center, because they clearly couldn't work away from each other. Maura invested a lot of herself in this project, she attended support groups, shared her experience, showed other mothers that they could move forwards. Jane was very supportive and even participated in several groups, especially the one where the spouses would come and share their pain, which obviously was different from the mother's but as intense.

They made sure to raise their daughter emphasizing on the importance of helping other people. Angela spent her entire childhood hanging around her parents at the center but it was only when she was 16 she started to take a more important part in it. She started to volunteer there, talking to kids who were victims of crimes. At first Maura and Jane didn't want her to get exposed to so much pain until she was be strong enough to be able to take the pain people would express without being devastated. But as their daughter, she inherited their stubbornness and soon they realized that kids who were abused or who witnessed a crime were more willing to share their experience with someone who was their age, who spoke their language. After two years of volunteering on weekly basis Angela decided that she wanted to be a psychologist and a few years later started to work at the center . She started to work there as a full time psychologist until it was time for Jane and Maura to finally retire and time for Angela to take over the Foundation and the center.

"I think we did good." Jane smiled admiring at her daughter giving a speech to the board members with as much passion and determination as Maura used to.

"I think we did." Maura replied resting her head on her wife's shoulder.

**So guys, I hope you enjoyed this story, I think this last chapter was indeed quite good. I thought it would be nice to give you a glimpse of their future life, to show that after loosing their child their life continued and that they turned this bad experience into something positive. I also thought it was important for them to have a child...**

**As always please review, next step for me is my new story called " broken." It's quite dark please check it out!**


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